Flying the Freak Flag
I often feel like I don’t fit in. Into what? Conventional forms.
When I was in elementary school, I was often asked by students in other grades, “Are you a boy or a girl?” I secretly enjoyed the question but never gave an answer.
I went to Swarthmore College and dropped out after my sophomore year because I felt alienated from the philosophy department (where there was very little room for a personal voice), and I couldn’t see myself getting an academic degree in religion (would any of the mystics I loved have chosen to earn a degree in mysticism?).
I started my own company because there were no ready-made jobs that made any sense for me.
Two and a half decades later, I still feel “freaky” quite a bit of the time. I enjoy spending time with successful businesspeople (I learn a lot watching how their minds work) and yet I notice how different I feel from most entrepreneurs. Most businesspeople I meet evaluate a business in terms of its capacity to scale, its gross margins, and its mass appeal. I feel more like someone running a messenger service who wants to make sure there is a flow of income to support future delivery.
I have been a member of a practicing spiritual community for the past 8 years. Recently I had the experience of feeling like I didn’t fit in, even though the group welcomes all serious spiritual practitioners and has been my “tribe” for almost a decade. I felt like I didn’t fit in because a certain practice form is followed, level after level, and my inner experience is not tracking along with these levels in a linear way. The spiritual teacher of our community told me I was “atypical” and that I need to follow my own inner sense of how to practice. This was quite a relief. I could still be part of the group and be in my integrity. However, the whole process of discovering that I was not progressing “normally” was painful. It reminded me of all of the other times in my life when I have not fit in.
I have received many gifts from Sounds True authors over the years, but one of the most important gifts has come to me from Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, best known as the author of Women Who Run with the Wolves. I first met CPE (as I call Dr. Estés) in 1987 when she was a guest on a radio show I hosted on KGNU, Boulder County Public Radio. CPE saw that I was not a “this” or a “that,” but something one-of-a-kind. She affirmed that in me, and I believe her work does that for many, many people.
In just a few days, CPE will be launching a new series of online events called Mother Night: Learning to See in the Dark” (you can listen to a new free podcast with CPE on “Diamonds In The Dark” if you want to get more of a sense of what she will be covering in this new series). For me, part of learning to see in the dark involves accepting my “freakdom” – accepting the fact that the conventional, daylight world does not hold my future. I can’t fit into a pre-made path – academic, business, or spiritual – and find my way. What I can do is descend into the darkness, into the unknown, into the never-before created and give birth to my own uniqueness. When I look at myself through the outside eyes of convention, I still sometimes feel like a “freak”. But when I look at myself with inner vision, seeing in the dark, I feel like a mystery—a geyser of unknown energy coming into form.
I could take this even further and say that one of the things that is needed now is for more and more people to descend into their own darkness and find the unprecedented expression of their individual life. The pre-made forms are obviously not working (and in fact are collapsing around us). Will you join me — by, of course, not joining with me, or with anyone or anything, but instead by giving birth to your own uniqueness?
Tags: Diamonds In The Dark, Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Uniqueness
October 5th, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Tami,
I listened to your interview with CPE tonight and loved it. So I read your Blog and discovered that your story is very similar to mine. I’ve started my own companies because there wasn’t a job that made sense. I founded the non-profit, Healing Journeys, 15 years ago and we just did our 26th conference this past weekend. It’s meaningful to me and to the thousands who have attended our “Cancer as a Turning Point” conferences (and the many who have listened to the CATP Sounds True CD sets). I’ve recently been told to celebrate my eccentricities - another way of saying “fly the freak flag”. It gives me more courage to fly mine when I see you flying yours. Thanks for doing what you do. I love your new online series idea.
October 6th, 2009 at 6:34 am
Tami,
Wow, you just wrote the short essay that I could have written about myself!
I, too, feel like a freak, and have never fit in to any category. Too intellectual for the Navy, and the guy who wears the T-Shirt “Straight but loves Broadway musicals” in the Pride Parade.
I’ve started my journey, and wrote the following in a workshop recently at the Kripalu center for Yoga and Health:
“This is who I am now - a man in his 50s, just beginning to feel like I’m here, just beginning to feel like I inhabit my body, inhabit my life.
This is who I am now - a man with mastery, but also a man facing mystery.
All these questions:
Who am I?
What is my quest?
What is my calling?
What is life?
To face these questions with faith and with love.
This is who I am now - a man moving towards answers.
I guess these days I’m more of a verb than a noun.”
Thank you for giving me words and ideas I can resonate with. Maybe I’ll check out the “Mother Night” series!
Dave
October 6th, 2009 at 6:49 am
Great blog, Tami!
Clarissa is truly the storyteller of the century and I love how she inspired you to share your own unique archetype you bring in the world. Your heart is huge, your spirit like a brave warrior, and you inspire so many. Thank you for hosting this event, and I can’t wait to sign up!
Thanks
Kari
October 9th, 2009 at 1:39 pm
Tami,
Thank you. My heart says thank you. You’ve described a core, deeply held, feeling of mine that has traveled with me since early childhood and still lives within. Today, I can accept it, allow it to just be there. Often, I’m pleased that I don’t fit in; at others times, I seek those who hover just outside the drawn lines. Sometimes, every now and then, we outnumber those trapped within.
Thank you.
Diane
October 12th, 2009 at 5:46 pm
Thank you, for this lovely post, for the podcast which I so enjoyed, and for all your good work.
“We are not duplicates” stays with me, bringing me a smile.
Looking forward excitedly to further Diamond explorations, and to being encouraged to seek out, and to Live out, more Soul-Certified-ness, too.
xxx
jaihn
October 13th, 2009 at 12:44 pm
It’s funny, how we strive to fit in. I can relate to that feeling/thought. At 41 and as a licensed psychologist I still feel that I don’t fit into the traditional professional. I love learning from people and talking with them. I have worked hard so that I can be in a position to help others. Yet, I find that what I would love to do is interview people and understand them so that their information can inspire and help others. I love what you do Tami. I would love your job!!! I keep thinking of ways to “give birth to my uniqueness” as you say. What, I discover is that I am drawn to working at a position to inspire others by just sitting and talking to them in a different way then in therapy. You and Terri Gross have inspired me!!Now I just have to keep searching for ways to make it happen!! My ideas and proposals have been rejected a few times and it is discouraging. I will keep going into the unknown! Thank you,
Sincerely,
Maria
October 13th, 2009 at 5:51 pm
I don’t think that you should belong or follow any spiritual group. You were lucky in that your gayness kept you from fitting any mold when you were in school. You have developed a sharp, independent, original mind. Now you are lucky to head a company like Soundstrue, which give you immediate access to best information for spiritual development. Use that as your spiritual food. Use what you need to grow spiritually and discard the rest. You were brave enough to drop out of Swarthmore and follow your inner voice. You should be brave enough to follow that same voice for your spiritual development. I think you’ll evolve a lot faster without the limitations that are inherent in any spiritual group headed by these so called gurus, teachers, masters or whatever they call themselves.
October 14th, 2009 at 8:56 am
I echo all sentiments expressed here. I was SO excited to receive notification about CPE’s online course. I’m really looking forward to starting tonight. I’ve been watching for an Estes event for years (Thank you, Tami!). I comb the internet and bookstores, not wanting to miss anything she has written or said. WWRWTW has saved my creative and spiritual life over and over.
Tami, thank you for all you’re bringing through Sounds True.
And blessings to all of you,
Lisa
Lititz, PA
October 15th, 2009 at 4:40 am
Hi Tami and other commenting (and not commenting) freaks!
Gladly joining you all! I suspected my family adopted me or that I was secretly plunged into the culture I never resonated with as part of some strange social experiment. Not that I feel less “freaky” here in Sweden.
The label of a “freak” like any other label only makes sense if we use compare something to something else. As one Zen teacher said: we cannot exchange as much as a fart with another person. Meaning, we are this unique.
I find that cutting through the conceptual thinking actually relieves me from thinking of myself as anything (different or not different) and just being (a process). Focusing on my “freakiness” (or “uniqueness” for that matter, as a concept) only leads to reaffirming the illusion of being
separate from anything and everyone else. If we are busy being ourselves, we don’t have time to actually think of being this or that way. Hope it makes sense!
Stay warm,
Irina
October 20th, 2009 at 8:34 am
Tami–
So right on. I was just reading Dan Millman’s The Life You Were Born to Live and I happen to be a 29/11 (love this numerology mumbo-jumbo). 1s are all about letting that freak out–
“Creativity and innovation require a willingness to be on the cutting edge of innovation or originality; this means being, acting, and often feeling different. Most 1’s have an intrinsically different way of looking at and experiencing life; they focus on that which is unique. They may manifest this quality as early as infancy or as late as middle age.
Due to their sense of being different, 1’s commonly faced the challenge of insecurity — feeling different, out of place, or somehow inferior. ”
I’d be curious to know if you’ve read his book–and if you are also a 1!
From one freak to another,
Raven
October 22nd, 2009 at 8:55 pm
Thank you for sharing so much of yourself! This was refreshing to read, in your humility. Your business is so beautiful and full of bringing light to us thru recording music. Thank you for continuing on your own path with your integrity and wisdom. To me it seems, this is what you are giving.
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:27 am
Tami,
Thanks for this blog entry. What a validation for many of us who, it seems, are meant to forge our own path. I found I had to work for myself, starting in my 20’s. Later, I worked for others for 10 years while my daughter was young, and am now working part time so I can pursue my own work again.
Like some others, I have friends that are more conventional, and those who, like me, know how to pass as normal when necessary, we chuckle about that…
I took the Keirsey type sorter 10 years ago, http://www.keirsey.com, a free assessment tool and found that I am an INFP, a rare breed among people. The profile fits for those who have a “mission”, which reminds me of your feelings about your company. The NF profile is usually “on a mission”. I always thought I was more rational, but it turns out that spiritual growth matters are really a huge priority for me. I was sort of in denial for years…..
Thanks!
Phyllis
October 29th, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Tami,
How fun to find you here - I was ‘introduced’ to you through an attendee at the recent conscious capitalism conference in Austin. I was not able to be there, but she was summing up the great folks she met and one of them was you. I’ve long been a fan of Sounds True and my company was named as a result of my encounters with CPE through her book and your tapes (I assume things are digital now, but back then it was cassettes)!
I can relate to your post - there are many of us “missing zygotes” out there doing our thing in the world, to use the term from CPE’s story on the same subject.
Really great to find your blog. I’ll stop back by from time to time to see what you’re up to. So far it’s been pretty phenomenal - I only knew the work though, now I know there’s a “you” behind it all. What a joy your journey must have been thus far, in so many ways!
All the best, Dolly
November 3rd, 2009 at 9:23 pm
Tami!!!!!
You are an amazingly beautiful person. I have always admired the
way you created a company around what should be an integral
life passion for ALL of us. Over the many years I’ve purchased
books and CDs from you, I have been blown away by your astute
questions in interviews, the way you so easily cut through to the
very heart of the matter each and every time. You are a huge
gift to the world, and I am very, very grateful you’re here! Please
feel good in knowing that NO ONE could do what you do quite the
way you do it! You are a blessing.
~Debbie
November 5th, 2009 at 11:02 am
Great post you got here. It would be great to read something more concerning this topic.
November 5th, 2009 at 3:59 pm
It was extremely interesting for me to read that post. Thanks for it. I like such topics and everything that is connected to this matter. I definitely want to read a bit more soon.
November 10th, 2009 at 7:11 am
Hi Tami,
could you write something on how you combine Eckharts teachings with Reggie ray. I enjoy both teachers. Maybe a short blog on meditation and presence.
thanks
martin
November 13th, 2009 at 10:37 am
Dear Tami, I happened to look at your website for the first time this morning, and I so relate to all the posts here! I, too, knew from an early age that I was lonely and lost, yet something was drawing me deeper beneath the surface of my life to find out who I really was. I didn’t know I was on a search for the passionate aliveness that I found. But I know now that there is a hunger in people to touch those depths; to know that our lives are sacred; that our hearts are truly capable of love. It is a longing for what is real.
For me, it was like a nagging emptiness in my midsection. I think that hollowness often propels us on the spiritual journey, though at the time, I didn’t know what a spiritual journey was. I brought books about philosophy and psychology home from the library, but what I found did not feed my soul. Instead, I was left dry and depleted by responses that had no relevance to the wonder and ecstasy and fierce exaltation that I knew in my bones had a kinship with holiness. These religious and psychological frameworks offered me coded interpretations, theories and metaphors which never met me. Still, I had been inspired at the time by your tapes of Clarissa Estes and vowed that some day, I would tape my first book, “The Dancing Animal Woman: A Celebration of Life”. That was 14 years ago, and today, as the book goes into its 3rd printing, I thought, “why not ask Sounds True if they would market a CD?” Well, then I read your blog and was blown away! A central theme of “The Dancing Animal Woman” is belonging!
So thank you for reminding me of just how deeply we are all connected and how much we suffer in an aloneness we didn’t choose, but which was fashioned by the consciousness we inherited. I am so very grateful for the one we are awakening into, one that heals by joining us at our core. Warmly, Anne Hillman
November 18th, 2009 at 11:55 pm
Tami,
Thank you so much for writing this piece and for hosting the Mother Night series. For the past six weeks, I have looked forward to every Wednesday night to settle in and listen to the healing stories and lessons from CPE. For so many years, I kept hoping she would re-emerge to teach us again. I was happy to learn about the Scar Clan and the Tribe of the Sacred Heart. So glad there is a place for all of us who feel we don’t fit in because, as you said, that feeling tends to come up again and again and again in this life. Thanks for sharing your story here. Your connection with CPE had a lot to do with Women Who Run with the Wolves being published. But what is even more important is that you brought us her voice and her amazing storytelling, which can never be captured in a book. In fact, I return to that book occasionally to look things up. But far more often, I listen again to Theater of the Imagination or one of CPE’s many other recordings Sounds True has released over the years. It is exciting that the Dangerous Old Woman will be coming this spring as another audio course. It was heartbreaking to hear Clarissa’s struggles with getting it published. But it may be even more important that you are bringing all of us her stories in this way of making our computers the most wonderful radio receivers for her voice, which inspires us to find our true voices too. And to let our own freak flags fly! Thank you, Thank you! Blessings to you!