A Confession
A couple of years ago, I was driving Reggie Ray from one retreat center to another in the New York/Boston area. Reggie is a meditation teacher in the Tibetan Buddhist tradition with whom I have been studying closely for the past 7 years. When I heard he needed a driver, I thought it would be a good chance to spend some one-on-one time with him, in a closed situation—a vehicle—and to pummel him with questions.
As we were leaving the Garrison Institute to drive to a E-Vam, a small retreat center devoted to the work of Traleg Rinpoche, I asked a receptionist at Garrison for directions. Much to my relief, they were incredibly simple and straightforward. (The truth is that even though I volunteered to be Reggie’s driver, I actually have very little confidence behind the wheel; you might say driving is one of my “inferior functions”.) As we got into the car, I exclaimed to Reggie that this drive was going to be easy: just one turn and we would be on the expressway to our destination.
When I said this, Reggie looked at me and said, “I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“Whatever,” I thought, “Reggie is just being negative.” Well, you guessed it—after driving for only 2 miles, we started hearing a strange thump, thump, thump. We had somehow developed a flat tire. I remembered his comment about “not being so sure” and asked him if he had had a premonition or something. He said, “No, you just sounded awfully confident.” Well, now I was panic-stricken and anxious. (Here I have the meditation master in a rental car with a flat tire and we are stuck on the side of the road!) But Reggie just looked at me, smiled, and said, “Don’t worry, I live for this kind of thing.”
Well, he might have enjoyed the unanticipated newness of the experience, but for me it was uncomfortable and stressful. And this is the same way I felt after I wrote my first (and only) “manifesto” a few weeks ago, on the topic of “manifestation” (see “Manifestation Manifesto”). After I confidently posted that entry, which extolls the virtues of listening to one’s inner voice and claims that following its directives is the key to creating, I was immediately plunged into a period in which I couldn’t hear any inner guidance at all. Nothing. Static. It was like a sudden flat tire inside.
Now, there were outer causes. In January and February, Sounds True had very disappointing top line sales due to the overall contraction in the retail marketplace, and we were having some issues with our line of credit (which, fortunately, have since been resolved). What I noticed was that my inner system was “jammed up” in a flight or fight response, and in that state, the last thing I could do was tune in and hear my inner voice clearly. And yet, I had just written a “Manifesto” that made it sound like listening to one’s inner voice and following its call is as simple as driving a few miles and making one turn onto an expressway.
During this period of hearing static inside, I asked myself two critical questions:
- What works for me when I find that I need to “un-jam” my circuits so I can receive inner guidance?
- How do I distinguish between what could be called “the voice of ego” and “the voice of the knowing self”?
Here is what I discovered:
When my “circuits are jammed” (which is what it feels like to me), I can conclude that I am terribly afraid of something or other (in this case, potential economic doom) and that the first thing I need to do is release the fight or flight response from my body. A friend of mine recently wrote a PhD thesis on a somatic approach to resolving conflict in couples and he called it “Fight, Flight, or Feel,” a title which I quite like. When I am in conflict with myself, let alone with another person, what I need to do is move beyond fight or flight and into feeling.
Okay, you may ask, but how do I approach “feeling” when I am terrified of feeling how terrified I feel? (Now that’s a mouthful of a question.) I found three things that worked for me: 1) Deep bodywork, 2) Loving and intelligent friends who truly know how to listen, receive and reflect, and 3) Intensive meditation practice.
What I found was that I could restore my sense of inner connectedness when my body relaxed, when I felt loved, and when I could connect with a vast sense of spaciousness. During this particular period, I participated in a 5-day meditation training program. Being at this program , I felt that I regained the antenna that had been lost in the fight or flight attack; instead of hearing static inside, I once again had clear reception of what you could call a “grace field”—a sense of being informed as to what was being called for in each moment.
The second question I examined during this recent difficult period was “how do I distinguish between what might be called the voice of the ego and the voice of the knowing self?” For me, it is all about how my body feels. I have come to recognize the feeling of genuine guidance in a kind of somatic “rightness.”
And so I pose these two questions to you, the readers of this blog. When you are going through a challenging time, how do you “un-jam your circuits” so you can receive guidance in a clear way? And how do you distinguish between what could be called the voice of the ego and the voice of the knowing self?
I have been asking people these questions in an informal way and discovering that people have their own inner language and signaling system. What is this for you?
Finally, as you respond to this question, I offer one last thought. I feel a bit strange writing a blog post that is as confessional as this one. (First a manifesto, now a confession.) And yet I know that vulnerability is real strength. I recently interviewed Terry Tempest Williams as part of a new Sounds True podcast series. (She was in our studio recording an audio adaptation of her new book, Finding Beauty in a Broken World, which will be available this Fall.) In the interview she talks about how one of the reasons she writes is to create community—and how ironic it is to engage in a totally solitary act for the purpose of connecting with other people. The writer and the audience are, as they say, “alone, together.” As I connect with you, the Sounds True community, through this new experiment of a “Publisher’s Blog,” I want to do so in a way that is real and vulnerable and raw. I want the exchange to be genuine and at eye-level. I want to “manifest” something that leaves no residue of “half-said” but instead is a reflection of our collective wholeness—and in your responses, I invite you to do the same.
–Tami Simon
Publisher
Tags: Finding Beauty in a Broken World, meditation, Reggie Ray, Terry Tempest Williams, Tibetan Buddhist
April 25th, 2009 at 8:11 pm
It’s good to hear from you! I’ve been looking for your posts. I love your authenticity, thanks for being real.
When my circuits get jammed what works for me to “unjam” them is getting out in nature. It has a cleansing affect on me. Walking in nature is very meditative for me and I often get insight on my walks. Another thing that I am learning to do is to allow myself time for play. When I am in a state of joy, I am learning that things start to flow for me. My typical nose to the grindstone conditioning that I have learned is something I am doing my best to unlearn and give myself permission to go play. My play is typically athletic oriented where I am in my most joyful state.
How do I distinguish between the voice of the ego and the voice of the knowing self? Sometimes I wonder which voice it is. The voice of the knowing self is usually the kind loving voice. The voice of the ego is judgemental, critical, shaming. But there are still times that I am not totally sure which voice I’m hearing. Send me to the looney bin!
April 26th, 2009 at 10:26 am
It is often confusing which voice we are listening to. Especially in a time of conflict which is when we really “need” to tune in to the true inner voice rather than the ego based fear voice. I have to get to the place where I am feeling love. I do a combination of Reiki and meditation usually with music but total silence will work. When I get to the point that I feel love for myself and really know that I am spirit having a human experience then I can tune into the real inner voice. Getting into nature can also facilitate this state. Just sitting quietly recognizing the sacredness and universal intelligence that abounds in nature is to me a spiritual experience. Nature just is. An oak tree doesn’t ponder and worry about making the right choices or following it’s true purpose in life. It just is. There is such a calmness and a certainty of purpose that embodies nature. By tuning into the ordered harmony of nature I can often find that place of love that is the force that creates all that is.
April 27th, 2009 at 12:12 am
My confession is that I don’t have a method, or rather that any method I have ever tried has ultimately failed. My only solution has been to muddle through as best I could. I have succeeded, to the extent I have succeeded, by two things:
1) Sincerity—the sincere desire at each moment to follow the will of the inner Guide as best as I could sense it, regardless of seeming consequences, and regardless of any personal will or preference of my own.
2) The willingness to give up everything I have and everything I am, to endure whatever is necessary at any time to follow that Guide.
Without these, any method will ultimately fail, and with them no method is necessary, or it will come of its own as it is needed
April 27th, 2009 at 2:28 pm
LOVE the reflective and insightFull account of YOUr experience.
I completely empathized with YOUr feelings of “doubt” regarding posting the manifesto and then only moments later, losing sight of that which YOU had found such revelation and KNOWingness within.
‘Tis quite an AWEsome thing….to BE so aware in one moment and then so seemingly lost in the next, and yet this is also one of our Greatest Gifts. It is a Gift of reflection, a moment to experience in our physical BEingness, the TRUTH of the “ahhhh” spark = “LOVE’s Light” that so propels us to share with ALL we can……..
It is, as is our current existence here upon our Earth School, dualistic…..
We are bombarded with a plethora of {illusory} negativities from ever growing sources, which “disconnect” us from our TRUTHs.
Whilst at the same time, one with ALL and thus ALLways, are WE, BEings of LOVE’s Light - and when open, able to receive the multitudes of revelations we share so LOVingly with ALL :O)
I can recall many a time, I have writ, posted, published or otherwise shared some fantabulous dawning revelation, only to find my SELF needing the very same inspiration there after, due to some {illusory} negativity that had transpired.
We are wonderFull creatures, having ALL we need to provide for ourSELVes within ourSELVes.
In moments of “arghhhh” as we loving call it, we are GIFTed the opportunity our SELVes, to benefit from the LOVE’s Light we have shared with others, and thus if anything, only strengthen that which we have writ, {like YOUr Manifesto}, in BEing, DOing that which we have spoken to :O)
YOU are BEing the Change WE ALL want to SEE, showing the HOW TO through BEing YOU and then sharing with ALL, a Fantabulous Gift of BEingness indeed!!!
Blessedly BE
the
TRUTH
of
WE
Earth Angels Divine
ONE Universal Family
within the Embracing Light of
PeaceFull LOVing Serenity &
one Fantabulous, Adventurous, Amazing, Party’in Journey :O)
Radiate Soul Light/roni
April 29th, 2009 at 9:51 am
To try to unjam (which is my usual state), I have found the HeartMath Institute tools to be very helpful. The basic one is ‘Quick Coherence’ that calls for focusing on the heart, breathing in and out through the heart, and then generating a positive heart-felt feeling such as appreciation or gratitude. This can be done with eyes open in the heat of battle. Genuine gratitude and appreciation have been a challenge for me but your e-mail announcing Angeles Arrien’s new Gratitude CD’s serendipitously arrived and I purchased those today. The great John Prine first sang about living in the head many years ago, and I always wondered what he meant.
My ego voice is just loud and is usually accompanied less than positive feelings.
The real key though is mindfulness isn’t it.
I’m really wondering who changed the tire.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:20 pm
First: Thank you.
When I go through a challenging time, I’ve learned that I often need a combo package to get back to an even place. The most effective technique that works the quickest for me, is a complete 3-step change in state.
I have to somehow physically change my state by either removing myself from the situation, rolling down a hill, pouring water over my head and so on–really just whatever works. Doing something like this has always changed my patterns almost instantaneously, every time.
Then, I have to pay close attention to what I am thinking or what I was thinking–and let it flow through me, no matter how unhappy the thought(s) may be.
Over much trial and more error, I have discovered that suppressing or fighting off thought, can just intensify the pattern. This is enough to make one crazy–and realistically, in these moments, that is exactly what I am; insane. Complete identification with my thoughts has kicked in overdrive and I have forgotten who I truly am.
Sounds awful right? It’s almost humorous that this is how most people function, more often than not. I mean how did this become our general disposition? I said almost humorous. Almost. But not. Especially not when you are experiencing it directly.
Then, finally, I have to re-focus my thoughts. This is hard sometimes, depending on how deep into it I am, but re-focusing is always easier than eliminating thought all together when I’m feeling crazy and stressed. If this third step doesn’t work, the physical state change is implemented again. That one is great. Really.
Once, before I used this technique often, I was in a huge argument with my greatest friend. I will save you from the dramatic details, but we were going through a very complicated transition in our friendship and because we are both very emotional beings, the entire conversation was a sob-fest. Exhausting is an understatement.
Finally, after hours of trying to hash and re-hash it out, I picked up a half full glass of water and dumped it on his head. He was shocked–but something clicked and together we began to laugh. We “re-wired” the circuits that kept firing repetitively. We “un-jammed” them by introducing a new pathway. After the water dumping, we worked through our problem from a different angle and slowly started to remember how much we care for one another.
This is actually a Tony Robbins technique. I wouldn’t want to take credit for his material. He’s got this knack for taking all of the more spiritually alive and intense material I’ve read and paring it down to simple answers to one fundamental question, “What can I do right now to feel happy and alive?”
I think that’s a pretty important question.
As far as identifying one voice from the other, I believe, it is safe for me to say, that when I am in one of these “insane” states, ANY voice or thought is NOT the all-knowing being that is the essence of who I am. In my experience, when this all-knowing thing wants to let me know whats up, I don’t have to question it. I just know. Hence, the all-knowing part, I suppose. I’ve not looked at it that way before though. So, that is cool.
Last: Thank you.
Namaste
Fen
May 1st, 2009 at 10:09 am
Thank you for your intimate sharing Tami! My belief is that times like these create opportunities for us to become more introspective, compassionate towards others and ourselves, and to blossom and grow. Although my experience has been that I tend to achieve more spiritual grounding and growth through challenging times, my sincere hope is that we can all find a better way to learn!
Distinguishing ego from spirit, or our higher-self, is always a challenge for me. I vasillate between believing deeply that I am safe and that I am always guided, to fear that perhaps I am loosing my mind! Then I am challenged to think deeply as to whether or not loosing my mind is a bad thing!! Your sharing helps me to remember that we are all works in progress and all paths lead to the same destination!
May 3rd, 2009 at 9:21 am
Once again I would like to take the liberty of responding in some length to Tami’s latest post, of trying to put it into a larger context.
I sympathize with her impulse to ask for an anecdotal collection of individual experiences. But learning to follow the inner Guide is only a necessary first step towards a greater process that the world in general does not yet understand. Such a collection, although helpful in some respects, cannot take us on the path we ultimately need to find.
But the immediate problem facing us today is that we don’t understand the real problem facing us. Individually, we see it as a problem of human existence, of life not being what we want, or of circumstances constantly frustrating, upsetting or threatening us. Collectively, we see it as a problem of human misbehavior, of man by his ignorance, by his narrow and egoistic actions pushing the earth into a crisis of many forms.
If we are limited to a purely physical or narrow religious vision, we see it as an economic problem, as a population problem, as a climate problem, as a food problem, as a health problem, as a religious problem, as a problem of resources, as a pollution problem, as a moral problem or a myriad of other individual and collective problems facing the world on a physical or psychological level..
If we are a bit more enlightened we see it as a spiritual problem, as a humanity disconnected somehow from its spiritual origin, lost in the ignorant play of forces expressed through the individual and collective egos, thereby often frustrated, frequently unhappy, and driving itself and other life towards a painful and possibly catastrophic reaction of nature on earth.
Many ancient spiritual and occult traditions have pointed to some kind of cataclysmic upheaval or other crisis that would eventually face humanity, possibly around this time, and possibly resulting in its disappearance from the earth, but all (at least all of which I am aware) with insufficient knowledge to be of much use except as an indicator, a suggestion or a confirmation that humanity’s problems have more than a superficial significance..
And the answer that many spiritual traditions give, echoed to a large extent by the spiritual community of today, is that man must somehow change his evil ways, so to speak. I am not talking of religious traditions, of simply returning to some kind of rigid moral code, but of man learning to live in a higher form of consciousness, one expressing a truer relationship of man with himself and everything else.
And this he must do, but not as an end, but as a means to an end–an end of which he is in general not yet aware.
For the real problem is none of the above. Our problems are merely the reflection of our successful accomplishment of what nature expected from us. Man has never misbehaved; he has done exactly what he needed to do, has fulfilled exactly the role nature intended for him in her great evolutionary scheme on earth.
And that is the real problem: he HAS fulfilled his role on earth. He has completed his evolutionary function as man, and as man he is capable of going no farther. He is, in a sense, a dinosaur on the way to extinction.
And this is also the problem that most of the spiritual community of today does not understand, or understands poorly: that we are not here to create spiritualized human beings, to solve our human problems, which cannot ultimately be solved, but to learn to become beings of a different kind, a kind that has never before truly existed on earth. And the almost universal crisis we are experiencing is nature’s means to push us to do so.
Following the inner Guide is a first and necessary step in that process. But until the spiritual community itself understands where nature is pushing us, it can do little beyond offering an initiation, a more or less ignorant preparation of itself and the rest of the world for the larger and more demanding change, which must await that greater understanding.
May 17th, 2009 at 10:41 am
I loved what you wrote in your blog about the ability to face squarely, look intently, at whatever is happening in your life and not run from it. How I predominately destress, get grounded; is through movement and sound therapy. I am part of a wonderful dance community using dance, rhythm, voice in spontaneous movement. This brings such joy to me, I can be totally in the moment and be that living spirit that I know resides in me underneath all the rubble that is the residue from living in this imperfect world.
May 22nd, 2009 at 2:00 pm
Thanks for digging deep and speaking from vulnerability, Tami.
The defended me is a wounded little boy afraid of being hit. He enrolls the Controller(vis. Voice Dialogue or Big Mind/Big Heart) in me to listen for auditory clues that I am being attacked, finds them often and closes all portals. My smashing judge/critic, the Super Ego, then stands in for the Diamond Body (vis. Diamond Heart or Diamond Logos work), or Vajra, who seems to be missing. When I listen in instead of out, that patient, loving, non-judgemental one, or Diamond Body, is always willing to impart impersonal wisdom. It requires trust on my part.
Gratitude to my Teachers! Tears come easily now, amid very little pain
July 17th, 2009 at 4:32 pm
How do I unjam the blocked circuits? Via anything that gets me out of my head. Lovemaking, athletics, and playing music with friends are three of my favorite ways to “reboot” the system and hear the inner voice. And when all else fails, a good night’s sleep can sometimes do the trick.
August 2nd, 2009 at 8:13 am
All is energy
September 7th, 2009 at 6:47 pm
To turn inwards
To always find
The precious jewel
That is the Mind.
What happiness
Always so near!
At the same time,
What a fear,
To stand in the abyss
Of the unknown!
Even when joy
Bathes my face.
From it,
I run away.
Then loves calls me back.
To turn inwards,
To always find,
The precious jewel,
And the joy,
That is Mind.
November 17th, 2009 at 6:15 am
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